The Office Coffee Machine That Was Drinking Them Back

They called him Mr. Paxson. He was the most productive man in the office—not because he loved his job, but because of what he drank.

In a bland corporate building, the break room had a secret. At its center stood the Latte 9000—a 10-foot, crow-like coffee machine built in 1974. Every morning, employees gathered around it, listening to the groan of old machinery and the hiss of steam. Paxson treated it like an altar.

The machine wasn’t just serving coffee.

According to whispers and one terrified accounting clerk named Dean, the Latte 9000 was leaking something into the water line—a neural suppressant. The more people drank, the more productive and detached they became. Workers started sleeping under their desks, smiling at spreadsheets, and stopped going home. The break room turned into a shrine of offerings: expired coupons, sta ...