Never Better

di Spencer, Michael, and Craig

Commedia Notizie Filosofia

Episode 35 – Go To Bed With A Tomato

In a very Michaelless episode, Craig and Spencer tackle cyberbabies, millennial infantilization, fake names, outhouse etiquette, and single signaling. Plus, they both share college stories that maybe aren't yet ready to be told. ALTERNATE TITLES: There Is No Time Here In Space; Headbutt Me Really Quick; Call In The Scumpumper CORRECTION: When Spencer said the Japanese language has basically no pronouns, he meant specifically gendered pronouns. As always, please do not believe any word we say in this podcast, especially if we say it confidently. ----- Question? Suggestion? Unwarranted aggression? DM us on Twitter at @neverbettercast or send us an email at mailbox@neverbetter.show and we’ll react appropriately!

Episode 34 – I'm A Floating Traveler

You've just careened incautiously into the black hole of Never Better, a show that never gets any better. Soon, your physical form will be stretched into metaphysical unrecognizability, stranded somewhere outside of space and time. You're gonna love it. This week, Michael, Craig, and Spencer discuss the recent autumnality, airplane grunts, nature boys, and cemetery messiness. Also, Michael recounts his experience at the world's gentlest veterinary office. ----- Question? Suggestion? Unwarranted aggression? DM us on Twitter at @neverbettercast or send us an email at mailbox@neverbetter.show and we’ll react appropriately!

Episode 33 – Sam Tarnation

You've just pressed the button that will - in mere milliseconds - release a swarm of hulking, venomous lizards upon the hapless hosts of Never Better, a show that never gets any better. It's all right, though. We earned it. This week, Craig, Spencer, and eventually Michael discuss guinea pig awareness, ant experiments, movie secrets, and honesty's viability as the best policy. Plus, Craig recounts a high school encounter with a genuine weirdo. ----- Question? Suggestion? Unwarranted aggression? DM us on Twitter at @neverbettercast or send us an email at mailbox@neverbetter.show and we’ll react appropriately! "Rock Lobster" by The B-52's ℗ 1979 Warner Records Inc, included in this week's episode under Fair Use protections for instruction.

Episode 32 – Her Immortal Majesty

BREAKING: The Queen appears to have done something she can't come back from. The details are sketchy, but we here at Never Better Communications (or N.B.C.) are doing our utmost to keep the public informed and keep the powerful accountable. More on this story as it develops. ----- Question? Suggestion? Unwarranted aggression? DM us on Twitter at @neverbettercast or send us an email at mailbox@neverbetter.show and we’ll react appropriately! The NBC Special Report opening fanfare, voiceover, theme music ("The Pulse of Events," composed by John Williams, 1985) and NBC network jingle are the copyrighted property of the National Broadcasting Corporation and have been used in this podcast episode under Fair Use conventions for parody.

Episode 31 – You Gotta Talk To ChronoCorp

You've just noisily cleared your throat during an emergency board meeting for Never Better, a show that never gets any better. Well, you have our attention. Is there something you'd like to tell the group? Is it more important than the swan dive our quarterly earnings are doing? This week, in a very Michaelless episode, Spencer and Craig discuss entrance music, time capsule oblivion, seagull nepotism, obvious laptop scams, and how to behave like the world's tamest mad scientist. Also, Craig briefly discusses his wimpy screenplay. ----- Question? Suggestion? Unwarranted aggression? DM us on Twitter at @neverbettercast or send us an email at mailbox@neverbetter.show and we’ll react appropriately!

Episode 30 – Tied Up Like A Beef Wellington

You've just spilled your sloe gin fizz on the satin lapel of Never Better, a show that never gets any better. You better hightail it outta town, buster. The boss ain't gonna like this one bit. This week, Michael, Spencer, and Craig discuss phone memorization, lanyard placement, childlike obedience, and finding yourself at a social disadvantage. Plus, Spencer seeks out and accepts a memory challenge from his cohosts. How does he do? You won't find out by reading this! You gotta listen! ----- Question? Suggestion? Unwarranted aggression? DM us on Twitter at @neverbettercast or send us an email at mailbox@neverbetter.show and we’ll react appropriately!

Episode 29 – Corner Corner Middle, Left Middle Right

You've performed a perfect, arcing Tarzan swing from a decades-old fraying rope into the murky lacustrine waters of Never Better, a show that never gets any better. Nice yodel, bud. Watch out for eels. This week, Spencer, Craig, and Michael discuss party marketing, shark time, territorial displays, and injury symmetry. Also, we learn the respective values Michael places on his digits. It's weirder than you think. ----- Question? Suggestion? Unwarranted aggression? DM us on Twitter at @neverbettercast or send us an email at mailbox@neverbetter.show and we’ll react appropriately!

Episode 28 – I Had A Streak Of Hamsters

You've breached the sterile plastic bubble surrounding Never Better, a show that never gets any better. Nice work, rookie. Now the techs are gonna have to spend the next eight hours decontaminating this place. Where'd you track in all that mud from, anyhow? This week, Michael, Spencer, and Craig (all three of us! back together again!) discuss onomatopoeia, chess consequences, pizza secrets, and unethical kindergarten snacks. Plus, both Michael and Craig share two of what are quite honestly the most insane childhood anecdotes ever disclosed by anyone on this program. As it happens, you'll hear one right at the start of the episode and one right at the end. That's just quality programming. ----- Question? Suggestion? Unwarranted aggression? DM us on Twitter at @neverbettercast or send us an email at mailbox@neverbetter.show and we’ll react appropriately!

Episode 27 – Jacuzzi On The Moon

You've kicked down the burning front door of Never Better, a show that never gets any better. If you have a second, please pop on over and untie us. We're over here between the crates of live ammunition and the kerosene vat. This week, Spencer, Craig, and (once again, due to unknown reasons) not Michael discuss airline peeves, sports numerology, victimless zoo crime, newspaper theft, and campfire baths. Also, we get a glimpse of New Craig. Be prepared. ----- Question? Suggestion? Unwarranted aggression? DM us on Twitter at @neverbettercast or send us an email at mailbox@neverbetter.show and we’ll react appropriately!

Episode 26 – Down Into The Crabzone

You've thrown a perfectly tied lariat around the enormous bovine neck of Never Better, a show that never gets any better. Nicely done, cowpoke. Now all you have to do is figure out how to get that old steer to settle down and stop upsettin' the heifers. This week, in a show whose structure was nearly entirely pulled from a listener email (shoutouts to Jewell B.), Spencer, Michael, and (due to vacation reasons) not Craig discuss waking up when you didn't know you'd been asleep, danger at the wharf, a double dose of seagull crime, and childhood warnings from questionable sources. Plus, we take a deeper dive into Michael's psyche than we – or, indeed, perhaps anybody – could have ever anticipated. ----- Question? Suggestion? Unwarranted aggression? DM us on Twitter at @neverbettercast or send us an email at mailbox@neverbetter.show and we’ll react appropriately!

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