Friend Crush with Amber Akilla

Friend Crush with Amber Akilla

by Amber Akilla
Society & Culture
Season 7

navigating the creative industry - visibility, creative freedom & status

youtube episode: https://youtu.be/Jer_eAG1q1s everyone is creating, everyone is creative!!! your desire to create is valid whether you pursue it as a hobby, side-quest, side-hustle or a career! one creative skill might take many forms in different stages of your life. sharing my thoughts and observations based on my own personal experience on how you can explore, refine and navigate your creativity, your career and the creative industry. i think even if you don't work in the creative industry this same model can apply to different disciplines too. 00:00 00:58 - being creative is inherent to the human experience 03:50 - intro to quadrant diagram 04:47 - high visibility x creative freedom 05:19 - industry x high visibility 05:32 - industry x low visibility 06:20 - creative freedom x low visibility 06:46 - pedestaling of high visibility x industry careers 07:48 - get to know yourself before assuming there is only one version of success 09:25 - mapping the terrain and navigating accordingly 09:59 - pros & cons to every quadrants 10:05 - high visibility x industry 11:05 - industry x low visibility 12:13 - creative freedom x low visibility 13:09 - high visibility x creative freedom 14:28 - advice for young/aspiring creatives 15:36 - now is the best time to flop 16:49 - the challenge and the process has to become as rewarding as the outcome 17:46 - taste makers vs trend followers 19:00 - try different approaches, embrace different opportunities 21:38 - focus on doing before refining strategy 22:24 - you should be creating more than you are complaining 22:55 - being hot & having fun creative philosophy 24:04 - proof of concept, get experience 25:29 - learn how to communicate and present your work
S7
Apr 15, 2026
27:02

the first pillar of self-esteem: the practice of living consciously

this week’s video is a deeper dive into the first pillar of self-esteem - the practice of living consciously! The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem x Being Hot & Having Fun Sentence Completion Exercises https://www.friendcrush.club/shop/p/the-six-pillars-of-self-esteem-x-being-hot-having-fun-sentence-completion The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem by Nathaniel Branden https://amzn.to/496J0SD (*) affiliate link Baddie Book Club details patreon.com/amberakilla 00:00 01:44 - the first pillar of self-esteem 04:42 - bringing awareness to our internal world 07:32 - the practice of living consciously 08:55 - radical self-acceptance for the human condition 09:13 - you are the creator 09:38 - being responsible towards reality 10:23 - self-esteem is the reputation we acquire with ourselves 10:40 - your opinion of yourself is more important than other people’s opinion of you 11:45 - living consciously to overcome cringe 12:25 - dealing with shame around envy and judgement 12:43 - acting on what one sees and knows 13:14 - creating mental space for your own unhingedness 14:11 - being in the state appropriate to what you are doing 14:57 - your purposes and values dictate the standard of selection 16:00 - living responsibly towards reality 16:10 - wishes, fears and denials do not alter facts 17:57 - using your feelings to point to important facts rather than confusing feelings with facts 18:19 - changing your relationship with your emotions 19:04 - jealousy in friendships case study 20:47 - alchemising jealousy into inspiration 21:32 - what you perceive, what you interpret it to mean, how you feel about it 23:41 - fear and pain being treated as signals 23:51 - the earnest intention to be conscious 23:54 - adjusting your actions to your goals 24:18 - my first loyalty is to truth, not to making myself right 24:24 - a lifelong commitment to learning 24:38 - the willingness to create win-win relationships 25:37 - a desire to understand our full context 26:58 - internal and external awareness are two different skill sets 28:34 - when you reach an impasse and need a guide 30:12 - who is defining “being hot & having fun” in your life? 30:48 - do i know what i’m doing when i like myself vs when i don’t? 31:06 - give yourself the opportunity to notice 32:33 - i have to think that the practice is worthwhile 34:59 - which actions are producing desired results and which aren’t? 35:32 - notice what’s exciting vs what’s draining 36:23 - accept that other people’s interpretation of reality could be different to yours 37:22 - your values come from your experience, you can mistakenly draw irrational conclusions from your experience 38:54 - sidenote on addictions 40:48 - consciousness and the body 41:42 - train yourself to notice your thoughts 41:12 - freeing the body contributes to freeing the mind 44:22 - an orientation towards life that exists on a continuum 45:24 - looking to where pain and frustrations are 46:13 - garden analogy
S7
Apr 1, 2026
47:55

baddie book club: being your own bestie, living consciously, journalling

very delayed upload of the last baddie book club discussion session!!! i needed to optimise the audio - apologies for some of the echo but i still felt like it was important to share because so many insights were shared!! thank you to the baddies that attended and bravely shared their thoughts. based on this section of the book: Readings 2: Living Consciously and Self-Acceptance Reading: Part II Internal Sources of Self-Esteem The Focus On Action The Practice of Living Consciously The Practice of Self-Acceptance pages 56 - 104 there’s a few scheduled sessions left over april - details are on the patreon! 00:00 02:36 - the virtue of realism - respect of reality 03:26 - shadow work 04:00 - dealing with uncomfortable feelings 04:48 - your reputation with yourself 05:52 - substance abuse 07:13 - everywhere you go, there you are 07:40 - emphasis on action 08:16 - breaking the ruminating cycle 08:57 - friend breakups, jealousy between girls 11:12 - realising your growth 12:19 - what i perceive, what i interpret it to mean, how i feel about it 13:14 - fear of pain 13:30 - just do it ! 14:16 - avoiding discomfort is a betrayal of the mind 14:32 - life is just a series of problems 18:03 - treating life like a mirror 19:26 - the world belongs to those who persevere 20:46 - how time changes your relationship to events 21:45 - journalling 23:10 - being there for yourself 24:20 - relationships as a mirror 24:54 - life as an experiment - journal as field notes 25:57 - you don’t need to spend money to develop your relationship with yourself 29:28 - journalling allowing you to take things less personally 32:41 - giving other people the grace you would like from others 34:48 - confidence as a practice 36:17 - you can’t help other people until you help yourself 36:50 - the importance of self-work for community and social justice 42:10 - maintaining openness, value in the attempt 44:50 - self-trust, making promises to yourself and keeping them 48:34 - taking feedback and reviewing 50:10 - basic things can be hard but important for your well-being!!! 51:30 - being your own bestie - what you can keep to yourself, re-parenting yourself
S7
Mar 26, 2026
54:30

consumption is not a hobby

youtube episode: https://youtu.be/ndawrsGy3F4 please share how your journey with creating/consuming/compensated and participating has or is evolving!!! 0:00 01:27 - define the terms/auditing your consumption habits - consumer, creator, compensated, participant 03:13 - define being hot & having fun according to your core values 04:04 - check for energy leaks 04:25 - doing things with budget restrictions to build discipline 06:57 - becoming aware of consumerism conditioning 07:11 - where can you be more creative or be open to learning 07:32 - bringing intention to the way you consume 09:07- get in tune with how you feel and your level of contentment 09:47 - not all hobbies need to be monetised 10:14 - how do you spend your time, energy & money 10:30 - no one is safe from the attention economy 10:59 - staying informed without getting overwhelmed 11:37 - flexible framework vs strict rules 11:47 - diversifying dopamine triggers 12:27 - finding a balance between online & offline life 12:45 - purchasing for utility vs branding 17:00 - when flopping in creating is better than slaying in consuming 18:38 - the oveconsumption to hater pipeline 18:56 - the motivations & intentions behind your relationships follow me on IG ☆ https://instagram.com/amberakilla/ i’m on substack!!! https://substack.com/@amberakilla subscribe for friend crush club groupchat, exclusive episodes & perks! $3 a month, 1 week free trial! ♡ patreon.com/amberakilla slay habit trackers ☆ free download https://www.friendcrush.club/shop/p/hot-girl-slay-habits-e-bundle The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem x Being Hot & Having Fun Sentence Completion Exercises https://www.friendcrush.club/shop/p/the-six-pillars-of-self-esteem-x-being-hot-having-fun-sentence-completion https://instagram.com/friend.crush/ https://substack.com/@amberakilla/ https://www.tiktok.com/@amberakilla https://www.youtube.com/@amberakilla https://twitter.com/amberakilla https://soundcloud.com/amberakilla https://open.spotify.com/user/amberakilla
S7
Mar 19, 2026
20:05

flop eras, shrek-gate, ego death, supporting women's rights & wrongs

recording of a tiktok/youtube live on 24.02.2026 ! video version: https://youtu.be/xIduRHUSvUM 00:00 - recent obsessions 02:00 - being a woman in corporate 07:15 - dealing with insecure/intimidated women 08:03 - navigating a flop era 10:22 - current fave beauty products 11:56 - not taking things personally/detachment 14:56 - talking stages 15:45 - freelancing 17:26 - somatic exercises 17:51 - comparing yourself on social media 18:53 - draining family members 19:51 - guy not following up on dates 20:06 - being consistent with hobbies 21:35 - financial flop era 22:31 - getting new hobbies 23:01 - putting pressure on yourself 24:06 - pivoting from corporate 25:20 - visiting perth 27:50 - making friends 31:24 - asmr & vlogging 36:00 - shrek gate 46:25 - the emotional spiral, win-win relationships, navigating spaces as a minority 48:13 - women being held to higher moral standards than men 48:40 - identifying problems vs creating solutions 50:30 - misidentifying issues 52:55 - dating when you’re young 54:00 - ramadan in shanghai 56:26 - when to start dating again 57:27 - gender imbalance in china 58:30 - ego death??? re-constructing your identity 1:00:00 - gender binary and performance of gender in china 1:02:00 - reading 1:03:00 - pole schedule 1:04:00 - post-shrek gate 1:09:00 - provider men, going 50/50 1:13:00 - women benefitting from patriarchy, being hot & having fun, living life to your full potential 1:16:00 - analysis paralysis, learning from failure 1:17:00 - men and red pill 1:17:20 - the tragedy of heterosexuality by jane ward 1:19:58 - passive aggressive behaviour 1:20:16 - gay relationship dynamics 1:22:20 - smear campaigns, sh*t talking 1:24:20 - don’t confront passive agressive behaviour 1:27:18 - i support women’s rights and wrongs 1:29:00 - women defending shrek 1:35:00 - marginisation in the dominant group 1:37:15 - the illusion of binary options 1:39:26 - loser mindset with winner entitlement 1:41:45 - media literacy 1:42:30 - de-centering men, pick-mes, male-centered men 1:44:35 - beyond right and wrong 1:45:00 - live by example 1:47:07 - cognitive offloading 1:47:27 - how to make the most authentic decision for you 1:48:35 - men aren’t riding for female characters 1:49:00 - boundaries around social media
S7
Mar 6, 2026
1:51:09

never argue with a man for free

youtube episode: https://youtu.be/bJ1Ow4RFuW4 the irony of me filming this a week before that sh*k video oop at least you know i practice what i preach hehe you life and your journey is for you to own. other people can disagree and say you're problematic but even then, no one is going to be strong-armed into a better version of themselves. even the most problematic people from your point of view need space to evolve and work through being a product of their environment and conditioning so they can take accountability and choose to change. doesn't mean its my or your responsibility to hold their hand through it, its just that arguing usually exacerbates a problem more than it provides a resolve. do you want to be right or happy??? 00:00 01:37 - define the terms 01:43 - never argue with a MAN for free 03:00 - what is love 04:23 - love exists as an action - separate to the culture of romance 05:10 - ‘never’ 05:38 - ‘free’ 06:31 - ‘argue’ - argument vs conversation 07:58 - types of communication discourse, dialogue, debate, diatribe 09:14 - engaging in bad faith 10:41 - value 12:41 - walking away or changing the dynamic 13:25 - argument loop 13:56 - let them yap 14:10 - how to get out of an argument with your dignity in tact 15:03 - break the pattern today or the loop will continue tomorrow 15:42 - habit stacking 16:03 - changing response to triggers 16:43 - don't underestimate how important your validation is to other people 15:57 - people treat you with the grace they treat themselves 19:06 - fight or flight activation 19:46 - witholding your response 20:25 - being demure and mindful but not defensive 21:38 - hypocognition 23:06 - bracketing 23:53 - accept that some relationships are just limited 25:29 - you are not responsible for changing other people’s perception of reality if they aren’t ready 26:39 - reclaim and redirect your energy 27:57 - represent yourself rather than waiting for permission 28:35 - presenting something vs arguing about it 29:02 - trying to present new ideas/perspectives 30:43 - when they start a fight with you because they can’t handle their reaction to what you said 30:57 - when arguing might be beneficial 32:00 - when i might care what people think 33:47 - daily affirmations 34:17 - make sure you have a life 34:25 - pre-training so when you are triggered you are less likley to take the bait
S7
Feb 26, 2026
36:24

decentering men while dating, first loves, envy, work crushes, casual hook ups

youtube episode: https://youtu.be/0doV1ZWLOKM part two of the 2020 Love, Lust & Loathing Q&A!! thank you for your patience ~ make sure to watch the first video on limerence too! 00:00 00:10 - navigating female friendships when decentering romance 03:23 - maintaining sovereignty while dating 06:54 - my perspective on romantic love and pressures to settle down or be in a relationship 11:30 - how to stop being envious of other people in relationships 12:12 - age gap relationships 13:01 - work crushes and asking men out 14:32 - seeing potential in men 16:15 - detaching from nostalgia for a first love 17:43 - decentering men while being in a relationship 19:06 - men that are financially dependent on women 23:03 - casual hookups related videos: how to lock-in so hard your crush dies (metaphorically) https://youtu.be/rOtI0i13dIA pick me seed: internalised misogyny, patriarchy, decentering men https://youtu.be/gGVt7vpxX28 hot girl habits https://youtu.be/DszRCbx0_AE what is love https://youtu.be/mqu4RRzr2oo increasing your baseline https://youtu.be/iwT59y8LWfE relationships are transactional https://youtu.be/e4hrPViYKK8 hot girl habits https://youtu.be/DszRCbx0_AE non negotiable hobby https://youtu.be/XlStSk0b4KI https://youtu.be/jKVo3bGoyxg people pleasing https://youtu.be/0a0SFegK0QU https://youtu.be/tuCg_2muajY hook up culture https://youtu.be/ZlWzGbWpeJI boundaries, friends with benefits https://youtu.be/cU7Fr7DNEz4 flirting & crushes https://youtu.be/i-Mx2bPt1-o books (affiliate links): The Road Less Travelled https://amzn.to/496J0SD The Tragedy of Heterosexuality https://amzn.to/4jvfFoz follow me on IG ☆ https://instagram.com/amberakilla/ subscribe for friend crush club groupchat, exclusive episodes & perks! $3 a month, 1 week free trial! ♡ patreon.com/amberakilla
S7
Feb 19, 2026
25:53

how to lock-in so hard your crush dies (metaphorically): limerence, yearning & being delusional

ok so i originally said this was going to be one long video with an accompanying substack article - now it will be a few videos with one or more substack articles… stay tuned! i hope you enjoy the first instalment of the 2026 love, lust & loathing valentine’s day series! this started as a mix series on soundcloud (you can still listen to the previous mixes) but in 2024 i added a lil Q&A which i thought to bring back this year! this first video focuses on differentiating between crushes and limerence - i fear many people might be mis-identifying a crush as limerence or being overly hard on themselves with the over-pathologisation of therapy speak etc… don’t let the desire to grow and evolve kill the whimsy in you!!! cute, CHAOTIC and critical thinking can co-exist, just make sure that its a balance that works in your favour!!! love u xx youtube video: https://youtu.be/rOtI0i13dIA 00:00 intro 02:15 1. defining love 03:51 - question 1 05:05 - 2. defining limerence 05:39 - 3. the stages of limerence 06:33 - 4. limerence vs a crush 07:50 - 5. a crush is a lack of information 08:19 - 6. sexual energy is a form of creative energy limerence is becoming overly attached to the fantasy you create 08:51 - 7. weigh the attention you receive accordingly 09:12 - 8. get a creative hobby or 5 if you need 10:04 - 9. it takes longer to know someone than you think 10:51 - 10. they represent something that you need to nurture or work towards for yourself/maybe you just wanna be him 10:59 - 11. career woman blindspot 11:30 - 12. avoid working with your romantic interests 12:04 - 13. storytime :P 12:39 - 14. the disrespect is the closure 12:48 - 15. you don’t need other people’s approval to validate what you want to do 14:09 - 16. never assume that a man is more capable than you 14:25 - 17. the dangers of prioritising male attention 14:49 - 18. what do i get out of being delusional over this person 14:51 - 19. men rarely go out of their way unless they perceive a benefit to themselves 14:59 - 20. actions speak louder than words 15:45 - 21. the road to recovery for pickmeshas 16:05 - 22. men need to learn to love others, women need to learn to love themselves 16:08 - question 2 18:02 - 23. awareness is a privilege 18:39 - 24. you can’t consume your way into a new pattern 18:57 - 25. if you have complex trauma, seek the guidance of a mental health professional 19:12 - 26. eliminating triggers and isolation is not enough 19:19 - 27. you need to add activities that bring you joy and activate your creativity and self-expression 19:45 - 28. the “flow state” 19:56 - 29. the illusion of a flow state from external sources 20:25 - 30. journalling 21:01 - 31. keep an ick list speak to professionals 21:21 - 32. set a good example for yourself 22:18 - 33. lock in 22:52 - 34. believe in your future self 23:39 - 35. speak to professionals!
S7
Feb 15, 2026
24:44

baddie book club vol. 1 week 1: discussion session ☆ the six pillars of self-esteem

audio recording of our first baddie book club discussion session!! thank you to the baddies who attended and shared their questions, thoughts and feelings! if you would like to join the baddie book club, please join us on patreon! i am re-working the reading schedule and am open to hosting additional discussion sessions to accommodate different timezones. let me know!!! ♡ please share your own insights in the comment section too so we can continue the conversation!! Session notes: 00:00 - introdution/first impressions 05:14 - self-esteem is essential for survival, self-esteem and work 10:39 - continuing to learn outside of formal academic environments 14:08 - self-esteem and how to think vs what to think 16:00 - self-esteem and relationships, social circle 19:21 - the road less travelled - ‘bracketing’ the ego 30:26 - happiness without self-sabotage 32:40 - fear of success 32:26 - being comfortable in familiarity 32:35 - letting go of pain 34:36 - changing how to relate to pain, trauma, events, relationships 34:52 - healing vs growth, inegration, authenticity, self-actualization - self-help industry 38:36 - the difference between pursuing growth vs perfectionism 41:41 - the pillars of health vs the health industry 43:40 - mind & body 44:31 - being too in your head - you can’t think your way into perfection or growth 46:33 - give yourself space to process, observe and respond 47:26 - on the other side of anxiety 48:07 - hot girl habits - prioritizing yourself so that you can show up for your responsibilties 50:37 - the importance of self-esteem in turbulent times 52:10 - identity and purpose through stress/anxiety 52:42 - how can i be content, do you don’t need to be in a constant state of ecstasy 53:17 - noticing when you are treating it like a destination and not a journey 54:25 - question everything 54:55 - its ok to make mistakes
S7
Feb 7, 2026
55:22

when your bestie becomes a stranger - social circles & types of friendship

youtube episode: https://youtu.be/DhFmgfKp73Q?si=D7aWmgHwrbQueGq3 outlining some ideas around different types of connection and social circles - this is just a starting point and i actually found out about aristotle's 'types of friendship' (pleasure, utility, virtue) after filming this video and there's a lot of parallels between what is discussed in the video, so i would say its kind of like an expansion pack to his original idea. i think even though being social is inherent to human nature, there are so many factors that can complicate how we relate to ourselves and others, it doesn't hurt to take the time to reflect on our friendships and relationships generally so that we can ensure we are showing up with intention and authenticity! please share your thoughts and experiences too so we can continue the conversation!! 03:08 - being hot & having fun revision 04:47 - give yourself time to grow and evolve 05:50 - categories of friendship/connection 08:18 - social circles 09:17 - your relationship with yourself 10:37 - social circles 11:14 - inner circle 11:43 - acquaintance circle 11:56 - balancing online and offline relationships 13:27 - beware of performative values 14:29 - realistic pacing 14:46 - adjusting focus 15:45 - moving between circles 16:38 - don’t take change personally follow me on IG ☆ https://instagram.com/amberakilla/ subscribe for friend crush club groupchat, exclusive episodes & perks! $3 a month, 1 week free trial! ♡ patreon.com/amberakilla slay habit trackers ☆ free download https://www.friendcrush.club/shop/p/hot-girl-slay-habits-e-bundle The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem x Being Hot & Having Fun Sentence Completion Exercises https://www.friendcrush.club/shop/p/the-six-pillars-of-self-esteem-x-being-hot-having-fun-sentence-completion siren songs playlist for femininity and slay :･ﾟ✧:･ﾟ✧ https://open.spotify.com/playlist/46yJM6jydtkVN1XWCvlfHl?si=270318a4cc7a44a2 autumn in my arms playlist !!! https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1443BT6zmwdWnRx9nCP1tf?si=f954fb299af54270
S7
Jan 29, 2026
17:57
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