Cage Match: A Roundabout Way of Meeting Nicolas Cage

Cage Match: A Roundabout Way of Meeting Nicolas Cage

by Nick and Sean

TV & Film Film Reviews

Season 1

Con Air vs Rage

Pop on your Crime Jacket...it's crime time. Simon West's 1997 criminal action romp, Con Air enters a knife fight with Paco Cabezas' 2014 gun safety PSA, Rage (or Tokarev depending on where in the world you were). We tackle the hard hitting questions like: how many mall knives does Cage own? Is Buscemi's serial killer the secret hero of Con Air? How much work went into making a Dave Chappelle corpse puppet? Hard hitting stuff. This is Cage Match

Mom & Dad vs Next

The good news is that any time we fuck up we can just jump back two minutes and start fresh. The bad news is that this week we are reviewing 2017's Mom & Dad and 2007's Next. Loosely bottled rage about paternity and child murder against a charlatan with a stupid magic power and a stupider name. This is Cage Match.

Bringing Out The Dead vs Windtalkers

Bust out your Big Dog Energy because this week we have 1999's Bringing Out The Dead about a burned out EMT and 2002's World War II epic, Windtalkers. Powerhouse casts in both movies but the real cherry on top is Ving Rhames with hair. Despite all the director and star power, these are two box office flops for Martin Scorsese and John Woo. But really, what kind of name is I.B. Bangin'? This is Cage Match.

Valley Girl vs The Weather Man

This week we get a real time capsule movie in 1983's Valley Girl having a food fight with 2005's The Weather Man. Can Cage's first leading man role outdo a bow wielding and down trodden Cage? 80's vibrancy vs a sodden bleige. What's the Spritz Nipper this week?! Come for the haiku, stay for the Cage Match.

National Treasure vs Primal

Nic Cage is the white jag of our hearts. This week treasure hunter/historian extraordinaire, Benjamin Franklin Gates goes toe to toe with a drunk and surly Frank Walsh. It's 2004's National Treasure vs 2019's Primal. Bad CGI animals and OG 3d glasses. This is Cage Match. White jag!

Mandy vs Prisoners of the Ghostland

Lumberjacks, cultists, samurai and cowboys. This week's Cage Match runs the gamut of weirdo art films as 2018's Mandy goes up against 2021's Prisoners of the Ghostland (Thanks XYZ Films!). See Nic Cage as a "lovable" lumberjack on a mission and a bomb-suit wearing hero in a post apocalyptic world! We're joined by special guests Alex and Sami from Star Trek: The Original Siblings. Come for the van art and stay for the narrative bloody butts. This is Cage Match

Joe vs Zandalee

Do you suffer from erectile dysfunction? This week we pumped the zydeco, made a Cool Face™, went through a windshield at 4 o'clock in the morning and we don't give a fuck! 2013's aggressive but good-hearted Joe dukes it out with 1991's horny New Orleans affair flick: Zandalee. Did Sean crack segues yet? No, but he does know how to go hard in the paint in this Cage Match.

The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent vs The Trust

So when Nic Cage gets to Mallorca...We've got golden guns, we've got hot sauced lemons, we've got Pedro Pascal's enormous head, we've got coked out Nic Cage alter egos. Our head to head this week is 2022's The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent up against 2016's scrappy heist flick, The Trust. What will win? Meta-ness or mustache? This is Cage Match.

The Rock vs Bangkok Dangerous

What in the name of Zeus' BUTT hole are we doing? 1996 powerhouse Michael Bay flick, The Rock, takes on a real doozy of a remake in 2008's Bangkok Dangerous. Is John Mason really James Bond? Do dick triplets exist? Has Hulkamania ever really left us? Can we please just watch Zardoz? This is Cage Match.

Vampire's Kiss vs Between Worlds

This week's Cage Match pits Nic Cage as a vampire(?) literary agent against a beer swilling, truck driving fuck-master in Vampire's Kiss and Between Worlds. We've hot a highly quotable, highly meme-able episode full of meltdowns and horny, meta-poetry. Hopefully PETA doesn't get involved. This is Cage Match.

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