Right, so Donald Trump has won Greenland. Apparently.

He hasn't bought it. He hasn't annexed it. He hasn't even managed to claim sovereignty over a single Greenlandic wheelie bin. Still, none of that matters because Trump says he's won - and as we all know, reality is contractually obliged to catch up with his imagination sooner or later.

According to Trump, the United States now has "permanent control" over Greenland's security and "all other needs." Forever. Eternity. The Infinite Life Agreement, which sounds less like a diplomatic breakthrough and more like the sort of thing you'd get upsold by a Bond villain moonlighting as a dodgy broadband salesman.

So here's the announcement.

There you have it. Permanent authority. Security. "All other needs." America's wildest dreams fulfilled, courtesy of the greatest deal-maker e ...