Rivertales: A Riverdale Podcast
Season 3
6.1 - “Notice Me, Sin Pie”
Season 2
by Samuel Karie
We’re back in an alternate reality known as Rivervale! Where the D’s are replaced with V’s! In this episode we talk about Jughead being Shaggy, how we were born in the darkness, Dr. Curdle tells you you’re infertile, how to reverse a curse from crushing spiders, Elaine and Sam lose their minds over the sapling plan, the precious and necessary resource of maple syrup, immediate infertility tests, going up and down the produce aisle, Veronica’s new term: “make it.” And a surprise call from Keyona’s brother, Dalton.
In this finale episode we talk about ordering your Falice merch, everyone being horny, how Dolly Parton might be the Trash Bag KIller, making up headlines for the Lodge Ledger, how palladium is the fifth element, Kevin being a New York influencer, what we would bring to threaten Hiram, palladium milkshakes, Nana Rose being the queen of withholding information, Betty’s family tree, Cheryl being mad as hell for no reason, Veronica’s obviously bad casino, Hermosa continuing to be unnecessary, Cheryl being in a MLM, the trailer for the Lim Manuel Remamba movie, just one character being a witch, and our predictions for next season!
It’s the surprise musical episode nobody asked for! Veronica gets turned on by the DOW, there’s some erotic Archie/Hiram fan fiction, whoosh sound effects, Cheryl Baby playing chess in front of the fire, we settle on a ship name for Toni and Fangs, Jugitha’s increasing lead in the ship department, and our new favorite character, Belly.
This jam-packed episode contains content such as the Mac and Cheese Killer, getting paid for mining through a payment app, Keyona being objectively right, Archie fighting Captain America style, some clarity on the rules of Cheryl’s religion, Hiram continues to be a Silly Cartoon Little Bitch, the return of Lergan Loman, and a detailed headcanon about Jughead seducing Junkyard Santa.
In this week’s episode we get into Cheryl’s performance for Riverdale’s Got Talent, helicopter ride shares, the big dogs doing jingle jangle, the Wall Beat Journal, a symbolic trench, how Keyona needs that crimp, and a segment where we just name things that are made of metal!
It's the return of Josie and her Pussycats we've been clamoring for! Plus we discuss an over abundance of unrelated musical sequences, our failed attempt at a stan name for Tabitha, Keyona boycotting Old Navy, fake milk, and who is Dad, who is Father, and who is Daddy?
On this week’s tryptic episode we see some slight Sabrina crossover, find out somehow everyone knows about the palladium mine now, Betty workshopping her new musical numbers with her hostage, a fat book, Hot Jughead Winter, and find a way to bring up Katy Keene yet again all while freaking out over a truly convoluted and gross side plot that did not need to happen.
In this week‘s episode we do not get into dog trauma, but we do talk about Archie’s pretty new brass knuckles, pouring beer on your plants, starting the Emmy campaign for Coop the Riverdale Cat, casual cape walking, getting baptized in vodka, and imaging Jason doing The Shoot.
It’s the Hiram Lodge origin story you’ve been clamoring for! Complete with terrible first drafts for names, uncomfortable casting choices, and a discussion on the validity of the alien storyline. Plus a fun game of Would You Hiram?
It’s been 4 million years since the hiatus and we’re ready to get into our lack of knowledge about popcorn brands, eating drug-laced fries, the threat of a superhero crossover, rotisserie chicken corpses, Australian opals, and our first audience member special guest, boyfriend Billy!