Trump boarded his Qatari-donated Air Force One as a blonde and got off in New Jersey as a brunette — a transformation his engineers still haven't explained, though we're guessing it involves either a follicular miracle or a salon nobody's mentioning. Meanwhile, a toddler in Nevada took one look at a presidential rally and made a break for the exit, sparking a chase that should have been the headline but got completely overshadowed by the internet's real question: is that a wig, or a ginger cat? Natalie Harp's ankles are now a case file, Trump wants to rename New Mexico "New America," and the new Space Force uniforms look less like American ingenuity and more like something the Empire would issue.

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