Friend Crush with Amber Akilla

Friend Crush with Amber Akilla

di Amber Akilla
Società e cultura
Stagione 7
sovereignty vs selfishness: setting boundaries in a mentally ill society
youtube video: https://youtu.be/_rVMkThrBaw there aren’t enough words in the english dictionary to describe women who are living their best life and have healthy boundaries. we always have to reclaim language that has previously been used to disempower or judge women. anytime a woman makes herself less available for other people so that she can focus on herself and her own needs, she is labelled ‘selfish’… is she selfish or did she decide to gracefully pull back or exit a dynamic that took more from her than she recieved ????? to me this is not a moral issues because people have the right to be selfish and to indulge in other people’s selfishness, but on the flip side, people also have the right to walk away when it doesn’t work for them anymore. entitlement to one way extraction will not be tolerated! either deal with it, increase your contribution/what you have to offer or find someone else with lower standards. sign up for gossip & updates + discount code for merch drop! friendcrush.club 00:00 - 03:25 - intro 03:25 - 10:34 - sovereignty vs selfishness 10:34 - 13:15 - when sovereignty is mistaken for selfishness 13:15 - 14:15 - when you are the selfish one 14:15 - 17:20 - sovereignty & meeting your own needs, being hot & having fun 17:20 -18:54 - non-negotiable hobbies 18:54 - 19:11 - do you want to be right or do you want to be hot & having fun 19:11 - 23:55 - fear of being perceived/seen 23:55 -24:40 - redirecting your time, energy & attention 24:40 - 25:34 - the bullsh*t never ends 25:34 - as you change, so does your experience of existing relationships ☆
S7
17 lug 2026
28:14
NATURE ABHORS A VACUUM: KEEP IN MIND AFTER A TOXIC SITUATION
youtube episode: https://youtu.be/YtpeBQxoROo when you think you'll never be in a toxic relationship/friendship/job again and you walk away from one and into another ... lmao 00:00 intro 01:06 - empty space is unnatural and nature will find a way to fill it 01:42 - acknowledging that you are weak in order to become strong 03:09 - flop and slay coexist 04:09 - its not just the goal its also the management of the consequences that come with achieving it 04:41 - how assumptions create blind spots 05:42 - psychological audit 06:29 - anxiety vs self-trust 07:10 - notice when you are filing in gaps for space that only time & experience can fill 08:12 - empower yourself in your decision making 08:26 - seeking win-win relationships 08:53 - learning to sit with disappointment and move on instead of ruminating 10:58 - getting out of toxic dynamics 11:55 - non-negotiable hobbies & trying new things 13:10 - confronting & integrating pain vs running or avoiding it 13:51 - circumstantial change vs spiritual transformation 14:21 - you need a different approach if you want a different outcome 14:58 - actions speak louder than words!!! 15:15 - e.g. when an ex reaches out 16:44 - act according to the outcome that you want 16:57 - not responding is a response 17:04 - the person who cares the least, wins 18:16 - it doesn’t always feel toxic at first 18:53 - learning to self-regulate and pace connection 19:09 - being open to being proven wrong and trusting yourself to make difficult decisions 19:23 - always have something that you care about protecting that is your responsibility to maintain 19:41 - optimize to enjoy your life to the fullest 20:03 - learn to enjoy the challenge of protecting what you care about 20:21 - when you try and evade responsibility, you open yourself up to chaos 21:07 - learning to notice guilt & shame and observing rather than repressing or avoiding 23:00 - being honest with yourself when you cbf something and moving on 23:42 - when are you pursuing something from a place of ego vs real compatibility 24:28 - everyone’s needs are different 25:54 - the WILL to extend yourself
S7
29 giu 2026
27:04
how to turn a flop into a flopportunity
youtube video: https://youtu.be/Y9iQ_MYCIGU never let a flop go to waste!!!!! Hegel said that negativity is precisely what keeps existence alive. Not negativity in a psychological sense, but in a philosophical sense. You don't know what positivity is without negativity. If you only had the power to do things, you would lose the ability to not do things and rest. If you only think, then your thoughts continuously scatter and you lose the ability to reflect and contemplate. If you only slay then you are at risk of burnout and it would eventually become meaningless without the contrast of flop to anchor your slay. Friction, resistance and pain are necessary to indicate the possibilities of growth. Overly focusing on them can create the risk of unnecessary suffering. Practicing bringing awareness and intention to sovereign decision making is how we start to navigate the inevitable oscillation between flop and slay in a way that facilitates Being Hot & Having Fun!!! yayayayaa (ref: The Burnout Society by Byung-Chul Han) The Burnout Society by Byung-Chul Han https://amzn.to/4xxaHy3 (affiliate link) 00:00 - 00:54 - intro 00:54 - 01:34 - in flop there is slay, in slay there is flop 01:34 - 02:21 - what have you been conditioned to optimize your life for 02:21 - 03:27 - the hidden cost of maximizing efficiency 03:27 - 04:49 - be selective & specific about the types of challenges you are open to 04:49 - 07:01 - flopping is a training opportunity 07:01 - 08:25 - life happens in cycles 08:25 - 09:51 - maybe you haven’t flopped enough yet 09:51 - 12:26 - welcoming challenges as growth opportunities 12:26 - flop and slay is a spectrum not a binary 12:57 - social media - monitoring spirit behaviour & cancel culture purity tests 13:38 - entertainment & education 14:39 - hate can’t land if you’re a moving target 15:11 - which flop is your responsibility 16:54 - increase your surface area for slay 18:47 - lean into minor inconveniences 23:18 - using conflict as a training opportunity 24:25 - adjust your approach according to what’s at stake 26:12 - controlled and intentional crash outs 27:29 - knowing what you don’t like is just as important 29:03 - once you’ve been through the flop you don’t even want to think about it 29:24 - have a sense of humour follow me on IG ☆ https://instagram.com/amberakilla/
S7
16 giu 2026
30:20
how to minimize overthinking so you can focus on being hot
youtube episode: https://youtu.be/0ShM2LgCVRE some thoughts on over-thinking and rumination and how i turned my depression around!!! something that i didn't mention was to challenge myself to become more solution driven in my thinking - which was kind of the catalyst for my podcast and content! i thought, if i'm going to overthink about things then i may as well try to be coherent and in a way that could help other people. in the process i have been able to develop and evolve my thinking and my life in a way that wouldn't have been possible had i just stayed stagnant and in a mental spiral. rather than becoming over-identified with my diagnosis, i thought about it as a problem to solve/a lifestyle approach that needed adjusting in order to minimize symptoms and notice when i might be more vulnerable to unhealthy thought patterns and behaviours. break the loop!!! stop it from getting ahead of you!!! there are lots of other thoughts i can probably share in future but here is a start ~ feel free to share your own experience and tips in the comments!!!
S7
10 giu 2026
19:53
it's not the thing, it's your relationship to the thing: rewiring your brain
i think it's called meta-cognition when you observe your internal relationships to external things... the relationship between self and object, rather than the object itself. i'm not denying the realities of oppressive systems and real harm, more like how you might be able to navigate them from a more empowered place so you can be hot & have fun in a way that makes sense to you!!! ~~ as always, please share your thoughts! 00:00 - intro 03:17 - it’s not the thing itself, it’s your relationship to the thing 04:18 - being hot & having fun 04:34 - connotative vs denotative interpretation 05:40 - how you perceive reality is specific to you 06:27 - adjust and redefine 06:51 - your identity is dynamic 07:10 - superficial change vs spiritual growth 07:32 - your personality is the sum of your habits 08:01 - performative slay 08:25 - radical acceptance 09:03 - optimising for FUN and EFFECTIVENESS 09:24 - doing a mental audit 09:48 - avoid defaulting to binary mental traps 10:09 - redefining your relationship to money 11:56 - redefining your relationship to love 12:53 - suspend your moral framework of unmet expectations = bad 14:37 - appreciating life beyond just what you can perceive 15:18 - redefining your relationship to power 15:41 - sidenote: virtuous suffering 16:28 - SPEAK TO THE MANAGER WITHIN 17:08 - the willingness to seek and create win-win dynamics 18:31 - diffuse your awareness and observe before assuming you have to double down on a position 19:32 - changing your relationship to beauty 22:39 diversify your sources of validation 22:51 - the skills to look hot vs cultivate self-respect are different 23:23 - notice and manage your human desire for silver bullet solutions 23:57 - embrace the process of trial and error to accumulate experience 24:26 - the fear of flop/failure is often worse than the flop itself 24:59 - the most sustainable and rewarding growth takes time and usually isnt glamorous 25:30 - redefining your relationship to your emotions 26:21 - associating discomfort with growth rather than failure 26:32 - redefining your relationship with your identity/identity markers 27:06 oppositional identity, “counterwill” and oppositional defiant disorder 28:05 - people will love & hate you whether you enjoy your life or not so focus on figuring out how to enjoy it 28:43 - redefining your relationship to rest references: patriarchy and power: how socialisation underpins abusive behaviour Psychological drivers of gender disparities in leadership paths what underlies a teen oppositional defiant disorder diagnosis books (affiliate links) The Tao of Physics by Fritijof Capra The Road Less Travelled by M Scott Peck all about love by bell hooks The Beauty Myth by Naomi Wolf Ways of Seeing by John Berger
S7
12 mag 2026
29:30
decentering your hometown: hard to love yourself when you hate where you're from
some thoughts on how my relationship with my hometown and childhood trauma has changed over time for anyone that might be or has struggled with something similar. its not where you're from, but your relationship to the place, the memory and the role it plays in your life that matters. let me know your thoughts too! ♡ follow me on IG ☆ https://instagram.com/amberakilla/ i’m on substack!!! https://substack.com/@amberakilla subscribe for friend crush club groupchat, exclusive episodes & perks! $3 a month, 1 week free trial! ♡ patreon.com/amberakilla slay habit trackers ☆ free download https://www.friendcrush.club/shop/p/hot-girl-slay-habits-e-bundle The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem x Being Hot & Having Fun Sentence Completion Exercises https://www.friendcrush.club/shop/p/the-six-pillars-of-self-esteem-x-being-hot-having-fun-sentence-completion siren songs playlist for femininity and slay :･ﾟ✧:･ﾟ✧ https://open.spotify.com/playlist/46yJM6jydtkVN1XWCvlfHl?si=270318a4cc7a44a2 autumn in my arms playlist !!! https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1443BT6zmwdWnRx9nCP1tf?si=f954fb299af54270 https://instagram.com/friend.crush/ https://substack.com/@amberakilla/ https://www.tiktok.com/@amberakilla https://www.youtube.com/@amberakilla https://twitter.com/amberakilla https://soundcloud.com/amberakilla https://open.spotify.com/user/amberakilla
S7
29 apr 2026
22:33
navigating the creative industry - visibility, creative freedom & status
youtube episode: https://youtu.be/Jer_eAG1q1s everyone is creating, everyone is creative!!! your desire to create is valid whether you pursue it as a hobby, side-quest, side-hustle or a career! one creative skill might take many forms in different stages of your life. sharing my thoughts and observations based on my own personal experience on how you can explore, refine and navigate your creativity, your career and the creative industry. i think even if you don't work in the creative industry this same model can apply to different disciplines too. 00:00 00:58 - being creative is inherent to the human experience 03:50 - intro to quadrant diagram 04:47 - high visibility x creative freedom 05:19 - industry x high visibility 05:32 - industry x low visibility 06:20 - creative freedom x low visibility 06:46 - pedestaling of high visibility x industry careers 07:48 - get to know yourself before assuming there is only one version of success 09:25 - mapping the terrain and navigating accordingly 09:59 - pros & cons to every quadrants 10:05 - high visibility x industry 11:05 - industry x low visibility 12:13 - creative freedom x low visibility 13:09 - high visibility x creative freedom 14:28 - advice for young/aspiring creatives 15:36 - now is the best time to flop 16:49 - the challenge and the process has to become as rewarding as the outcome 17:46 - taste makers vs trend followers 19:00 - try different approaches, embrace different opportunities 21:38 - focus on doing before refining strategy 22:24 - you should be creating more than you are complaining 22:55 - being hot & having fun creative philosophy 24:04 - proof of concept, get experience 25:29 - learn how to communicate and present your work
S7
15 apr 2026
27:02
the first pillar of self-esteem: the practice of living consciously
this week’s video is a deeper dive into the first pillar of self-esteem - the practice of living consciously! The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem x Being Hot & Having Fun Sentence Completion Exercises https://www.friendcrush.club/shop/p/the-six-pillars-of-self-esteem-x-being-hot-having-fun-sentence-completion The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem by Nathaniel Branden https://amzn.to/496J0SD (*) affiliate link Baddie Book Club details patreon.com/amberakilla 00:00 01:44 - the first pillar of self-esteem 04:42 - bringing awareness to our internal world 07:32 - the practice of living consciously 08:55 - radical self-acceptance for the human condition 09:13 - you are the creator 09:38 - being responsible towards reality 10:23 - self-esteem is the reputation we acquire with ourselves 10:40 - your opinion of yourself is more important than other people’s opinion of you 11:45 - living consciously to overcome cringe 12:25 - dealing with shame around envy and judgement 12:43 - acting on what one sees and knows 13:14 - creating mental space for your own unhingedness 14:11 - being in the state appropriate to what you are doing 14:57 - your purposes and values dictate the standard of selection 16:00 - living responsibly towards reality 16:10 - wishes, fears and denials do not alter facts 17:57 - using your feelings to point to important facts rather than confusing feelings with facts 18:19 - changing your relationship with your emotions 19:04 - jealousy in friendships case study 20:47 - alchemising jealousy into inspiration 21:32 - what you perceive, what you interpret it to mean, how you feel about it 23:41 - fear and pain being treated as signals 23:51 - the earnest intention to be conscious 23:54 - adjusting your actions to your goals 24:18 - my first loyalty is to truth, not to making myself right 24:24 - a lifelong commitment to learning 24:38 - the willingness to create win-win relationships 25:37 - a desire to understand our full context 26:58 - internal and external awareness are two different skill sets 28:34 - when you reach an impasse and need a guide 30:12 - who is defining “being hot & having fun” in your life? 30:48 - do i know what i’m doing when i like myself vs when i don’t? 31:06 - give yourself the opportunity to notice 32:33 - i have to think that the practice is worthwhile 34:59 - which actions are producing desired results and which aren’t? 35:32 - notice what’s exciting vs what’s draining 36:23 - accept that other people’s interpretation of reality could be different to yours 37:22 - your values come from your experience, you can mistakenly draw irrational conclusions from your experience 38:54 - sidenote on addictions 40:48 - consciousness and the body 41:42 - train yourself to notice your thoughts 41:12 - freeing the body contributes to freeing the mind 44:22 - an orientation towards life that exists on a continuum 45:24 - looking to where pain and frustrations are 46:13 - garden analogy
S7
1 apr 2026
47:55
baddie book club: being your own bestie, living consciously, journalling
very delayed upload of the last baddie book club discussion session!!! i needed to optimise the audio - apologies for some of the echo but i still felt like it was important to share because so many insights were shared!! thank you to the baddies that attended and bravely shared their thoughts. based on this section of the book: Readings 2: Living Consciously and Self-Acceptance Reading: Part II Internal Sources of Self-Esteem The Focus On Action The Practice of Living Consciously The Practice of Self-Acceptance pages 56 - 104 there’s a few scheduled sessions left over april - details are on the patreon! 00:00 02:36 - the virtue of realism - respect of reality 03:26 - shadow work 04:00 - dealing with uncomfortable feelings 04:48 - your reputation with yourself 05:52 - substance abuse 07:13 - everywhere you go, there you are 07:40 - emphasis on action 08:16 - breaking the ruminating cycle 08:57 - friend breakups, jealousy between girls 11:12 - realising your growth 12:19 - what i perceive, what i interpret it to mean, how i feel about it 13:14 - fear of pain 13:30 - just do it ! 14:16 - avoiding discomfort is a betrayal of the mind 14:32 - life is just a series of problems 18:03 - treating life like a mirror 19:26 - the world belongs to those who persevere 20:46 - how time changes your relationship to events 21:45 - journalling 23:10 - being there for yourself 24:20 - relationships as a mirror 24:54 - life as an experiment - journal as field notes 25:57 - you don’t need to spend money to develop your relationship with yourself 29:28 - journalling allowing you to take things less personally 32:41 - giving other people the grace you would like from others 34:48 - confidence as a practice 36:17 - you can’t help other people until you help yourself 36:50 - the importance of self-work for community and social justice 42:10 - maintaining openness, value in the attempt 44:50 - self-trust, making promises to yourself and keeping them 48:34 - taking feedback and reviewing 50:10 - basic things can be hard but important for your well-being!!! 51:30 - being your own bestie - what you can keep to yourself, re-parenting yourself
S7
26 mar 2026
54:30
consumption is not a hobby
youtube episode: https://youtu.be/ndawrsGy3F4 please share how your journey with creating/consuming/compensated and participating has or is evolving!!! 0:00 01:27 - define the terms/auditing your consumption habits - consumer, creator, compensated, participant 03:13 - define being hot & having fun according to your core values 04:04 - check for energy leaks 04:25 - doing things with budget restrictions to build discipline 06:57 - becoming aware of consumerism conditioning 07:11 - where can you be more creative or be open to learning 07:32 - bringing intention to the way you consume 09:07- get in tune with how you feel and your level of contentment 09:47 - not all hobbies need to be monetised 10:14 - how do you spend your time, energy & money 10:30 - no one is safe from the attention economy 10:59 - staying informed without getting overwhelmed 11:37 - flexible framework vs strict rules 11:47 - diversifying dopamine triggers 12:27 - finding a balance between online & offline life 12:45 - purchasing for utility vs branding 17:00 - when flopping in creating is better than slaying in consuming 18:38 - the oveconsumption to hater pipeline 18:56 - the motivations & intentions behind your relationships follow me on IG ☆ https://instagram.com/amberakilla/ i’m on substack!!! https://substack.com/@amberakilla subscribe for friend crush club groupchat, exclusive episodes & perks! $3 a month, 1 week free trial! ♡ patreon.com/amberakilla slay habit trackers ☆ free download https://www.friendcrush.club/shop/p/hot-girl-slay-habits-e-bundle The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem x Being Hot & Having Fun Sentence Completion Exercises https://www.friendcrush.club/shop/p/the-six-pillars-of-self-esteem-x-being-hot-having-fun-sentence-completion https://instagram.com/friend.crush/ https://substack.com/@amberakilla/ https://www.tiktok.com/@amberakilla https://www.youtube.com/@amberakilla https://twitter.com/amberakilla https://soundcloud.com/amberakilla https://open.spotify.com/user/amberakilla
S7
19 mar 2026
20:05
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