Right, so Donald Trump has declared himself guardian of the Strait of Hormuz.

Guardian. Protector. Toll collector. Apparently the man saw one of the world’s most dangerous shipping lanes, made dangerous by him of course and thought, yes, what this needs is branding.

And a fee, bearing mind Iran was told it couldn’t do that. The orange one has decided he can though. Small thing Donnie, you still don’t control the Strait, but let’s no stop him from hoisting himself by his own demented petard.

A 20% fee, no less, because naturally, if there is one thing global trade has been crying out for, it is Donald Trump standing at the mouth of the Persian Gulf with a clipboard and a card reader.

But there is one other, rather significant problem with this idea, aside from the idea Trump would have a scooby about how to operate a card r ...