Who was the very first person to ever put on clown makeup? Picture it — somebody woke up one day, painted their entire face white, added a big red nose, drew on a giant smile, and decided "yes, this is how I help people have a good time." Was it joy? Was it a cry for help? Was the very first clown actually kind of terrifying? (Spoiler: probably.) We don't know, and we didn't look it up. This week we hunt down the original goofball who launched a thousand birthday parties and at least as many nightmares, with the confidence of two men who are also, in our own way, clowns.

100% unverified. As always.

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