When distress shows up in a relationship, should I turn towards you or should I learn to tolerate it myself?

The question many ask in relationships - and are encouraged by the world of couples therapy to ask - is: ‘can I count on you to be there when I'm struggling?’ This worldview sees the problem as disconnection, with the prescription being connection, emotional and physical.

“Talk about your feelings.”

“Be vulnerable.”

“Express your needs.”

“Co-regulate.”

But, maybe this has got things the wrong way around. Maybe becoming overly dependent on your partner’s approval, agreement, validation or emotional state isn't healthy. Maybe you're more likely to lose sexual desire for someone you have to constantly prop up (or is constantly propping you up). Maybe the task to tolerate your own distress without  ...