Who was the very first person to ever milk a cow? Think about it — somebody looked at a giant animal, spotted the dangly bits underneath, and decided "I'm gonna squeeze those and drink whatever comes out." That's a wild leap of faith. Was it hunger? A dare? Pure curiosity gone too far? We don't know, and we didn't look it up. This week we chase down the brave (or deeply confused) soul who pioneered dairy, with the confidence of two men who have never been near a cow.

100% unverified. As always.

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