“Swing State Sphincter: Why You’re the Toilet Paper in America’s Two-Party Dump”

No jingles. No jazz. Just a broken, pissed-off independent candidate named Nelson N. Alers telling you why your vote doesn’t matter unless you live in a suburb of Phoenix. If you’re in California, Texas, or anywhere with a “safe” color, congratulations – you’re the butt crack of democracy. Share this with everyone who’s ever been flyover country. Donate $0. Save your ramen money. And if you get mad, good – that’s the point.