The lights are dimmed. A hush descends. The drums roll.

The spotlight pivots.

A stage. A man upon it.

He is returned.

He is I - I, Jeremy Gage Kettle, CEO, CFO, CMO and Upload Technician of Funlimited Entertainment. The transfer of power is executed.

When last we spoke*, I was “self-isolating” at the Hope High Castle hostel just off the Billham junction in Bracknell. My pet raven Bassett had snuffed it. That may sound thoughtless but I’ve found callous casualisation to be a wonderful coping mechanism.

I was trapped. Pfidze Lanka, my erstwhile reliant, had expedited a petit coup d’état, bequeathing the keys to this online alcázar to Bart fucking Joyles, my mortal nemesis (and yes, I now feel perfectly comfortable speaking in such epic terms. He has more than earned ...