Content note: this episode discusses chronic illness, death, and mortality, including a moment of reflecting on times when being alive feels unbearable.

A contemplation on chronic illness, grief, and the longing to live.

At 36, I received emergency surgery for a heart block that required a pacemaker to keep my heart beating. Since then, I’ve been contemplating my own mortality and noticing myself becoming more and more fearful of my 40th birthday. My beloved aunt died of a rare form of cancer, appendix cancer, at 45. She was still becoming. She was finally allowing herself to daydream different possibilities for her life and within the same year, she was gone. This piece is a reflection on my fear of her story becoming my own and the grief that comes from realizing I’ve spent my life focused on the search for a cure for suff ...