Imagine achieving the ultimate impossible: linking Europe and Asia directly by sea for the very first time. You cross unmapped oceans, survive deadly storms, and finally step onto the wealthy shores of India, only to execute one of the most historically awkward first impressions ever recorded. This was the reality for Portuguese operative Vasco da Gama ($c. 1460s–1524$) upon arriving in Calicut (Kozhikode) in May 1498. Expecting a Christian populace, da Gama dropped to his knees inside a Hindu Brahmin temple to pray to a statue of the goddess Parvati, thinking she was the Virgin Mary. Worse still, he attempted to impress the fabulously wealthy local ruler, the Samudiri (Zamorin), with pathetic diplomatic gifts: a few cheap hats, brass vessels, oil, and a cask of honey. The local merchants laughed out loud, assuming he was a low-rent pirate rather ...